How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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