I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
