tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
