You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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