My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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