In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh god the rape fog is back!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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