he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
