mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
