Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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