my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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