She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
