Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
