I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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