I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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