i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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