Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
