she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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