I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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