I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
