I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
