Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
