Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
