When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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