Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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