Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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