I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
