I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
lol hangovers are for mortals.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
