he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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