woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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