my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
