New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize