that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
