Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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