remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
