I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
