My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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