I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
