Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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