Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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