woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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