Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
