I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
