okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Pants are for mortals
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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