if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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