We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize