Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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