just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
