just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
