i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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