4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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