I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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