Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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