If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
