Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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