if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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