There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
