I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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