ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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