So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
