Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
